Well, my first 2007 picture is in the books, and I’m happy to report that Blood and Chocolate is an unmitigated triumph: it’s successfully carved out a cozy niche in the hallowed halls of ineptitude. Fans of drinking games, rejoice! Gems like Ishtar, Gymkata, and anything Steven Siegal have been trumped, for Blood and Chocolate is unfathomably awful on all levels. The plot (some jumbled and cliched nonsense about werewolves, family, and a curly haired, handsome youth with an affinity for cold bitches who run at the sight of him) isn’t worth discussing. Instead, let’s go through some key aspects of cinema and see how Blood and Chocolate fared, shall we?
Acting: beneath comment. Our werewolf heroine (Vivian, played by a lifeless Agnes Bruckner) has the emotional range of a dead fish, and the love of her life (Aiden) isn’t far behind. Luckily, Vivian’s pompous, brash werewolf cousin Rafe, makes up for them by playing his part dramatically over-the-top. Olivier Martinez (the *name actor* here) as the werewolf leader Gabriel has the look to fit in this sort of Crow-esque film, but he’s on auto-pilot here…and even if he weren’t, he couldn’t do anything with this script (more on that later)
Cinematography: um, well, the Bucarest scenery is occasionally quite pretty. Otherwise, our fearless director makes sure to emphasize every moment with more slow-motion shots than Joe’s Apartment has roaches, and the special effects look like a mix of Sci-Fi original and post-grad, shoestring budget camp. Mind-boggling.
Direction / editing: OOF. Need you ask?
Script: ah, now this is what I’ve been itching to write about since I left the press screening yesterday evening! For I must share the following exchange with you all. Whether or not you see Blood and Chocolate (depends on how masochistic you are, I suppose), this sequence should live in guilty-pleasure lore for eternity. To wit:
Pompous Rafe: I’ll give you one chance to leave by train tonight, and you won’t be harmed.
Defiant Aiden: I won’t leave!
Pompous Rafe *reveals he’s a werewolf and prepares to attack*: I gave you your chance…now you’re mine!
Aiden *no longer so defiant*: Okay! I’ll take the train, I swear!
Pompous Rafe: Too late…I am the train!
I am the train. Yes. Really. Break out the flasks and shot glasses! And just think, bad-movie freaks: this is just one of many lines that will have you tilting back your head…